


I'll Stand By You

by Kintsugi (Frakme)



Series: Stand [1]
Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drama, F/M, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-24 15:49:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1610663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frakme/pseuds/Kintsugi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Expanse, Trip and Malcolm try to restart their relationship but actions have consequences and both men are hiding secrets. Will the resultant discoveries force them apart forever? AU, Rated for sexual content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Zero Hour / Storm Front

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing here. This is purely for personal entertainment and not monetary gain.

**Post Ep: Zero Hour**

_Jon, you did it to me again!_

Trip closed his eyes against the threatened tears when Malcolm announced the news. At least the captain hadn't died in vain, the weapon had been destroyed, as had the spheres. But the cost was high, with the loss of Jonathan Archer and the other twenty seven people who had been killed. _At least Malcolm is safe_ , Trip thought as he fought the urge to drag him into his arms, grateful for Hoshi needing him to comfort her in the wake of the terrible news that Malcolm had had to bring.

They broke the news to the crew of the captain's death, the joy at the success of their mission now muted by the crew's grief for a much beloved leader. They had been through so much, so many lives had been lost but few people doubted in Archer's ability to triumph.

The two of them rushed to Trip's quarters as soon as they could, needing to grab a few minutes to themselves before they arrived at Earth. They held each other, neither of them able to hold back the tears, thinking of the man that had died to save Earth, Malcolm, wracked with guilt that he had not forced Archer to leave and let him stay instead.

"I failed him, I was responsible for his safety, I should've been the one to stay!" he said.

"Cap'n never thought that way, you know that, Mal," replied Trip, running his fingers through his lover's hair. "He's always thought that he was the one to be responsible for everyone, includin' you. He's never been able to willingly sacrifice anyone, if it was somethin' he could do hisself."

"We have to get back to the bridge, Trip." Malcolm looked up at Trip, seeing the grief he felt mirrored in the summer blue eyes. Trip nodded then softly kissed him.

They released each other, taking turns to splash water on their faces before going to the bridge to see Earth with their own eyes, their home, now safe. Just before they left, Malcolm caught Trip's hand.

"We still need to talk," he said, "Once all the fanfare has died down."

Trip nodded, a small feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. He just hoped that afterwards he and Malcolm would still have a future together.

* * *

T'Pol took a few minutes to compose herself in the captain's ready room after they had made the announcement. She gave Tucker and Reed permission to leave the bridge, recognising they too needed a moment alone to grieve for the captain.

Alone in her ready room, she allowed the tears to fall though her face remained composed as she thought of the man who had given his life to save the home he loved. The tears were cathartic and she didn't try to fight them, acknowledging their healing power. She still suffered from the ravages the trellium-d had wrought on her mind but slowly and surely she was beginning to recover.

As the tears ceased to flow, she looked around the room that still carried Jonathan's mark, his scent still lingering in the air, the small touches of his human presence. There was still a terrible sense of loss as she slowly comprehended that he would no longer be a part of her life. She remembered in her studies of human culture she had come across a particular aphorism, 'You don't know what you have until it's gone', something she had found illogical. Only now, with the captain's death did she understand what it meant.

Now the crew would be looking to her to take command of the ship for a little longer. Fortunately, they were now on approach to Earth and then she could step aside, she would not have to carry this burden for long. She would not want to replace the captain, even if she could. Somehow, she couldn't envision another person in the captain's chair of the NX-01.

Carefully wiping the traces of tears away, she put on her Vulcan mask and stepped onto the bridge.

* * *

**Post Ep Storm Front Part II**

"I think it's time we had that talk, Trip." Malcolm stood in the doorway of Trip's quarters, a guarded expression on his face. _Enterprise_ was now at Jupiter station, awaiting the extensive repair work needed since the Expanse. All of the crew without exception had been ordered to take leave on Earth or wherever they wanted to go and most had already left, including the captain, summoned to Earth to undergo a debriefing.

"I guess it is," said Trip, gesturing to the chair.

"There are things I wanted to tell you, back when we first go together," began Malcolm. "I regret that I didn't get the chance to tell you then. Perhaps things may have happened differently if I had." He paused briefly and looked intently at Trip.

"Can you tell me now?" asked Trip, not really sure where the other man was coming from.

"Why don't you tell me why you slept with T'Pol?"

The silence in the room was so thick it could've been cut by a knife. Trip stared at Malcolm, not sure what to say.

"We weren't together then," said Trip, eventually.

"True," said Malcolm calmly. "You chose to finish our relationship for the good of the mission. You pushed me away, rejected my overtures to help you with your grief."

"I know and I wish I hadn't. I regretted it and I tried to reach out to you but you pushed me away!"

"So that's why you slept with her?"

"No!" protested Trip. "I don't know why, she came on to me first!"

"You could've walked away!"

"C'mon, Malcolm, you can't mean to tell me that if T'Pol had kissed you and stripped off naked in front of you, you would've just walked away!"

Malcolm glared at Trip. _Damn him!_ Then he remembered something.

"Actually, I did!"

Trip stared at him, open mouthed.

"What the hell are you talkin' about?"

"Don't you remember?" said Malcolm, "When the captain had been kidnapped by that bounty hunter? T'Pol escaping from decon after being infected by those microbes?"

"Yeah, I remember!"

"She came on to me then, said she wanted to mate with me. I stunned her with a phase pistol!"

"You were in an EV suit and she was infected with somethin'!" Trip looked at him furiously. "Not really the same thing!"

"Yes, it was! She wanted to have sex with me, same as she wanted to have sex with you."

"She wasn't in her right mind when she came onto you!" Trip protested.

"Maybe she wasn't with you either!"

Trip was stung by the venom in Malcolm's voice.

"I don't know why I did it… except she was there, she was beautiful and I wanted her," he admitted.

"Do you still want her?"

Trip froze, as sudden memory of him and T'Pol entwined in passion. He tried to speak but his mouth was suddenly dry, his throat closing up. Even when he saw the cold expression descend on Malcolm's face he still couldn't speak.

"I guess I have my answer, don't I?" said Malcolm, standing up abruptly. "I'm so glad we had this little talk." He walked towards the door.

"Malcolm, please don't go," Trip pleaded, catching Malcolm's arm. Sharply, Malcolm threw him off and hit the door open control.

"Don't touch me, Commander!" The door slid open and Trip watched helplessly as the other man left, the door closing behind him.

"Aw, fuck!"

He held his head in his hands, he didn't want her, he loved Malcolm, he knew he did. Yet, he felt something pulling him towards T'Pol, he'd had dreams of the two of them together. One thing was for certain was that if had any chance of making things right with Malcolm, he would have to deal with these feelings towards T'Pol, he had to get them out of his system.

He should be happy now, Earth was safe, Jon was alive, he and Malcolm should be starting to plan their future together. It seems as though their experiences in the Expanse were still exacting a toll on them. Until they dealt with them, he feared none of them would be able to move on.

* * *

T'Pol sat for some time staring at her computer. The _Enterprise_ had barely been back in the Sol system a day before she received a message from home. Her mother, demanding she return to Vulcan as soon as it could be arranged.

The message had been terse and to the point, not so much as an enquiry into her daughter's health. Then again her mother had always been mindful of the proprieties. T'Pol had had a closer relationship with her father than her mother. Her father had said that she and her mother were too alike, both independent and strong willed but with different ideas of what path T'Pol should take with her life. Not for the first time, she found herself longing for the reassuring presence of her father, dead many years. She chastised herself for her illogical impulse, putting it aside to meditate on at her next opportunity.

With Phlox's help she had eradicated the trellium from her system and the withdrawal symptoms had begun to ease. Her emotional control was still tenuous but her meditations were beginning to be more effective. However, the thought of going to Vulcan filled her with apprehension, it would become apparent very quickly to those who knew her just how tenuous it was. She had considered asking the captain to accompany her but quickly dismissed the notion; no doubt he would be fully occupied by Starfleet Command who would require a full disclosure of their mission.

Her mind drifted to Trip. She knew he had no plans for where to go, his home town having been destroyed. She'd assumed he would visit his parents or brother but he implied he had no plans to do so and seemed reluctant to say why. She made a decision to ask Trip to accompany her to Vulcan. She knew he would not refuse her.

  



	2. Home

**Missing Scenes 'Home'**

_From : Tucker, C A, Cmdr._

_To: Reed, M S, Lt._

_I'm hoping you'll read this and not just delete it, especially as you'll know I'm on my way to Vulcan. It's not what you think, I promise you._

_Please, I'm asking you to trust me, to believe me when I tell you that I love you. But T'Pol and I have got some stuff we need to sort out and right now I don't think I can move on until we do._

_She had a hard time in the Expanse and she needs a friend right now. I'd always thought it would be the captain who'd be there for her, for all of us, but I guess he has his own demons to deal with._

_I feel like I'm abandoning you and I don't blame you if you think that's what I've done. I will be back as soon as I can and I can only hope that you're willing to give me another chance. Please don't give up on us. I swear I will do anything you want as long as you still love me._

_Just promise me one thing; go see your sister. I know that the two of you weren't close but you should go and see her anyway._

_Please wait for me, Malcolm, I love you._

_No matter what happens I'm yours, you have my heart in your hands._

_Trip._

* * *

It was late when he arrived back on  _Enterprise._  He'd been away about a week, first visiting his old friend Mark Latrelle, who was transferring to  _Columbia_ , then to see Madeline. She'd been very emotional when she'd seen him, talking his ear off and giving him more hugs than she'd ever done since they were children. She went with him to Kota Bharu so he could see his parents, a nerve wracking endeavour. It hadn't been as painful as he'd thought it would be. His mum had been overjoyed to see him and even his dad had unbent enough to express pride at his son's achievements. Inevitably, it wasn't long before they ran out of safe topics to discuss and his father began muttering about the inadvisability of  _Enterprise_ 's mission and why the Royal Navy hadn't been good enough for his son. Malcolm had kept his lip firmly buttoned but in the end he'd made his excuses and left, to return to  _Enterprise._

He unpacked in his quarters, saw the message light blinking. He opened the message and read it. It was from Trip.

_I'm on my way home to you._

He sighed briefly. He'd read the message Trip had sent on his way to Vulcan. Despite Trip's reassurance, he was still angry that Trip had left without explaining it to his face, sneaking away like a thief in the night, just a text message, not even a video call. Discreet enquiries had led him to believe he'd told no one his whereabouts, although presumably Admiral Forrest and the captain would have to know.

T'Pol had seemed calmer on the journey back to Earth and had handled herself well during the time travelling fiasco they had somehow landed themselves in. However she still didn't seem the same person that had joined them on their journey nearly three years ago. It seemed that the crew and the expanse had changed her irrevocably.

 _What does that have to do with Trip?_  he thought resentfully.  _She's free to go back to Vulcan, surely there are other people who can help her!_

What it boiled down to was Trip was in his knight on a white charger mode, intent on saving a damsel in distress. Trip was a compulsive helper, he couldn't stand by and watch someone else suffer. It led him to rescuing the Kriosan princess, to helping the young Liana on the Kentare ship. But it also led him into peril when he made the fatal mistake with the Vissian Cogenitor. So what would it be this time? Would Trip regret helping out a friend? More importantly, did he want to give Trip another chance?

Two days later, his door chime rang and he opened his door to find Trip stood there, casually dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He looked awful, shadows under his eyes and it appeared he hadn't bother shaving for a couple of days. Malcolm wondered what the Vulcan crew of the ship he'd travelled on thought of him.

"You'd better come in." Malcolm gestured the other man inside.

Trip nodded and sat down wearily in the desk chair.

"I jus' dropped my bags off and came straight here," he said. "I'm probably gonna need to sleep for a week." He managed a small smile. "Vulcan climate doesn't agree with me."

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Malcolm carefully kept his tone neutral.

"She's gotten married," he said. "To a guy who basically blackmailed her and her mom."

"I see," said Malcolm, trying to keep the shock off his face.  _That was unexpected!_  "Did you know that was what she was going to do when you went with her?"

"I hadn't a fuckin' clue," he said bitterly. "Seems she and this guy Koss have been engaged for years. She wanted to call it off but because of what happened at P'Jem, her mom got the sack from her job and if T'Pol married Koss, his dad would get T'Les reinstated."

"I would've thought Vulcans would be above such tactics," mused Malcolm.

"Yeah, sounded real emotional to me. Think her mom was hopin' I'd talk her outta it!"

"I guess if she's married she won't be coming back here?" Malcolm felt a flare of hope that she wouldn't.

"I don't know," Trip admitted. "We didn't exactly part on good terms."

"Let me guess," said Malcolm. "You snuck out and got on the next transport to Earth." Trip looked at him in consternation.

"How did you know that?"

"Because you did it to me!" Malcolm said, suddenly angry. "What the hell was I supposed to think, Trip? I wish you would stop these stupid games and admit you are in love with her! Now she's married to someone else, you think that I'll be here to pick up the pieces!"

"I'm not in love with her, why does everyone think that?"

"Trip, just how clueless are you? You've been spending time with her for months to the almost total exclusion of everyone else, then you go tearing off to Vulcan to be with her when I know you hate deserts." Malcolm stood up and started pacing not wanting to look at the other man.

"You're wrong, so is T'Les and so is T'Pol. I care for her, I admit that, but I'm not in love with her." He grabbed the armoury office by the arm and spun him round to face him. Something he instantly regretted as the other man's instincts rose to the fore and he found himself pinned against the bulkhead.

"Malcolm, let me go," he gasped, as Malcolm pressed an arm against his throat. He released his grip on the taller man.

"I don't think I can take this any more, Trip," he said, stepping back. "I don't think I can go through all this again, not with you!"

"Don't say that, Malcolm, please!" Trip pleaded, cutting him to the quick.

"For years I closed myself off, stopped myself from getting close to anyone. Then I came here, to  _Enterprise_  and I couldn't do it any more. Especially because of you. You were absolutely determined to get past the walls I put up and not only that I ended up falling in love with you."

"And I fell in love with you as well. I still love you and want to be with you. Tell me how I can fix this!" Malcolm could hear the desperation in the other man's voice.

"I thought that was why you'd gone to Vulcan," he said accusingly. "You told me you'd sort things out with her but it doesn't sound like you did that to me!"

"I tried!" Trip protested. "But then this whole thing with Koss dropped on us and I jus' couldn't burden her any more with my crap when she had enough of her own to deal with."

"Well I hope for your sake she does come back so that you can!"

Seeing the stricken expression on Trip's face he sighed.

"Maybe it's my turn for honesty," he said. "I told you right from the start I wanted to take things slowly. I was hurt very badly when I was young by someone who I loved nearly as much as I love you.

"Her name was Faith and I loved her very much, I even considered asking her to marry me. Only she'd been cheating on me behind my back, using me as someone acceptable to present to her parents. The man she was cheating on me with was a thoroughly disreputable character. Eventually she came into her inheritance, dropped her façade and me along with it, publicly humiliating me in the process.

"And if that wasn't bad enough a friend stepped into offer a shoulder to cry on, a man named Liam, who seduced me and used me. He dropped me as well as soon as someone better came along. He was my first and only male lover until you. Since then I have only had a string of meaningless encounters with entirely forgettable women."

Trip gazed at him consternation on his features.

"I'm not like Faith or Liam," he said. "I love you and I ain't plannin' on usin' you or makin' a fool of you. I jus' wish I could make you believe that."

"I know, Trip, but it is difficult for me to trust," Malcolm replied. "And until you do have things resolved with T'Pol once and for all, then perhaps it's best that we don't proceed any further."

Trip got up, looking defeated.

"I guess you're right," he said, "I'm sorry, Malcolm. I guess I'd better go and get unpacked."

He went out the door, his shoulders slumped, but turned around before it closed on him.

"I'm not gonna give up on us, Malcolm," he said. "I jus' want you to know this. I'm gonna fix this mess." He turned away and the door closed.

Malcolm stared at the closed door, a lump in his throat. It had hurt letting him go but Trip was clearly confused about his feelings towards T'Pol. Trip seemed completely sincere about his feelings towards him but Malcolm had seen the way he'd looked at T'Pol. There was definitely a connection between them. Just what it meant, he didn't know and it certainly seemed as if Trip didn't either.


	3. The Augments

**Post ep 'The Augments'**

“T’Pol, have you gotta minute?”

She turned as she left the mess hall with her tea, stopped by Tucker’s voice.

“Certainly, Commander, what is it?”

“I jus’ wanna talk, can we go somewhere private?” He was staring at her with anxious expression. She nodded and they walked down the corridor to the nearby conference room.

When they went in, Trip activated the privacy lock on the door.

“How’re you doing?” he asked.

“I am well, Commander,” she said, sipping at her tea. “Why do you ask?”

“Did your mom get her job back?”

She looked at him in surprise, wondering where he was going with this conversation.

“T’Les has been restored to her previous position at the Academy,” she confirmed.

“So I guess Koss kept his end up then,” he said, casually. She didn’t respond. She still wasn’t entirely sure why Koss was so insistent on their marriage, considering her involvement in the P’Jem incident and her mother’s own political leanings. She did not think Koss’s clan would be so keen to associated with her own, especially as it was a lesser House. At least she had managed to forestall the actual marriage until Koss’s _pon farr_. She found herself hoping that it was long time into the future. Something of what she was thinking must have shown on her face as Trip looked at her with a concerned expression.

“Is there no way you can get out of this marriage?” he asked.

“Unless Koss chooses to release me, or I call the _kal-if-fee_ , the mating challenge, then no.”

“Mating challenge?” said Trip, frowning. “What does that involve?”

“I would require a challenger to fight Koss on my behalf.”

“Fight? Really? Don’t tell me this sort of thing goes on on Vulcan?” Trip looked incredulous.

“The last such event occurred thousands of years ago, Commander,” she said. “It is certainly not something modern Vulcans would consider. Especially considering it involves a fight to the death.”

“Wow,” said Trip, sitting heavily in one of the chairs. “So what happens after the fight?”

“The bride who called the challenge is reduced to chattel and given to the victor who may choose to keep her as his wife or release her. Though he will always have responsibility for her.”

“I guess you don’t have divorce lawyers on Vulcan,” he said, presumably in an attempt at levity.

“Vulcans, for the most part, mate for life,” she explained. “In most cases, our future spouse is chosen for us at the age of seven years old.”

“You mean you were engaged when you were just a little kid?” Trip replied, shocked.

“Do not be so quick to judge what you cannot understand, Commander,” she said. Though she tried to keep her tone neutral, a tinge of anger was apparent. “There are reasons behind our traditions that we do not discuss with non-Vulcans.”

He smiled at her apologetically.

“Sorry, you’d think I’d’a learnt by now,” he said. His brow knitted in a frown.

“I know we agreed not to talk about it… but that night we had together, will it have an impact on your marriage to Koss?”

“He is aware of it,” she said. “I disclosed it to him as it was something that he would become aware of anyway. He said it did not make a difference to him.”

“That’s awfully big of him,” Trip replied and T’Pol was able to easily recognise the sarcasm in his tone.

“Commander, is there any point to this discussion?” she said, fighting to conceal her impatience with his prying.

“I’m jus’ concerned about you,” he said. “I’m sorry I ran out on you but I thought it best not to stick around.”

She reached out and lightly touched his shoulder, in doing so she felt the level of concern he felt for her and it was strangely comforting.

“I understand,” she said, “And I thank you for your concern. But what’s done is done and there is no point in further discussion. If you’ll excuse me?” At his nod, she left, carrying her now cold tea.

* * *

He stared after her, thoughtfully, once again reminded how beautiful yet how remote she was. She was like a goddess, lovely yet unattainable. Yet he had attained her for one night, which now seemed to have taken on a dream like quality. Did she feel sullied by his all too human touch?

He sighed softly, wondering why he felt such a strong connection to her. He thought back to the wedding ceremony; he’d fought the urge to render the heavy solemnity of the occasion with an all too human cry of “Stop the wedding!” knowing it wasn’t what she wanted, that she was being coerced. But he couldn’t do it to her and to his shame, he knew deep down inside that it was because he didn’t want her, despite T’Les’s implications. They would never truly be happy together, what he had seen of Vulcan traditions scared the crap out of him and he couldn’t make T’Pol give up what made her who she was just for him. So he stood by and let his friend make a decision she was clearly already regretting.

At the same time there was someone else waiting for him, someone who had been patient with him, whose love was unwavering. Someone who understood him better than he understood himself. It'd hurt when Malcolm had put the stop to their relationship once again, but he knew it was the right thing to do for now. Frustratingly, he still was no closer to figuring things out as to why he was unable to completely commit to the man he loved. He hoped to get something from her, a clue that she felt and could explain this connection but she’d refused to open up to him. Maybe he need to be more direct but that would probably involve explaining about Malcolm and he didn’t think the other man would be pleased at him doing that.

Suddenly, he was assailed by a wave of loneliness as he realised he had no one to talk to about this. Jon was no longer the best friend he could confide in any more. He was still very distant from Trip. He hoped it was a sign that Jon had finally got over the ending of their relationship but he badly missed their friendship. Perhaps he should be the one to make the first move?

Yet even if he and Jon somehow managed to get that closeness again, he still didn’t think he’d be able to confide in Jon about how he felt about T’Pol or Malcolm. There was just too much history between them that couldn’t be undone.

Besides, the Jon of today was very different to the Jon of three years ago and perhaps it was just as well they were no longer close friends. He was certain that in many ways with their duties to the ship, it would be easier on both of them to keep the status quo.

He got up and left the room, wanting to go back to his own quarters, feeling melancholic. The loneliness he’d felt when he thought of his current situation was becoming almost unbearable.

For now though, he would have to bear it and hope that eventually things would work themselves out.

* * *

Malcolm watched T’Pol and Trip leave the mess hall together, with a feeling of jealousy that he found hard to ignore. He'd stepped aside, not wanting to stand in the way of his lover who was wrestling with a difficult choice. He’d seen how calm Trip had been during the kidnapping of the crew by the Orion slavers, much calmer than Malcolm had expected him to be. It was almost if he knew that T’Pol was okay. He was relieved to have her back safe on board the ship, that much was obvious.

The last few days he’d been glad of the distraction of Soong and the Augments to keep his mind off his personal life but now it was all over he was left with too much time on his hands, waiting for the other shoe to drop, convinced that Trip would come to him to admit that he did want to be with the Vulcan woman. All he could do was to hope that day would come soon.


	4. Kir'Shara

**Post Ep ‘Kir’Shara’**

“How are you feeling, Cap’n?” Trip asked as he saw Jon rubbing his head, as the two of them ate breakfast together.

“I’ve been better, to tell you the truth,” replied the captain, with a wry grin. “I’ve been assured the headaches will pass.”

The engineer frowned.

“I guess that’s what you get for havin' a coupla Vulcans mess around in your head! I take it Phlox ain’t concerned about any permanent effects? Your ears aren’t gonna suddenly get all pointy?”

Jon snorted.

“No, no danger of that. He says I’ll be fine, no permanent damage.”

“Glad to hear it, Cap’n. The thought of someone messin' around in my head like that freaks me out a little. There’s a lot of thoughts up here,” he pointed to his forehead, “that I kinda like to keep to myself!”

“Believe me, Trip, if I had the choice… but it’s done now. And we finally got through to the Vulcans we don’t need them to hold our hands any more. We’re finally equal partners.”

“Hopefully we’ve helped them put aside their differences with the Andorians.” Trip grimaced. “I really don’t wanna be stuck between them a third time, figured I’d be pushing my luck! We’re just lucky that Shran likes you!”

“You did well out there, Trip,” said Jon, smiling warmly. “Both Soval and Shran were effusive in their praise of you.”

“Jus’ doing my job, Cap’n,” he said. “I thought about what you woulda done!”

Jon clapped his hand on Trip’s shoulder, gazing at him warmly. Staring at his younger friend he had an epiphany. No longer did he look at Trip and long for a return to their former intimacy. Time and distance had worked their charm and the passionate love he’d once felt for the engineer had evolved into what it should’ve been, the deep affection of a good friend.

“You know Koss ended his marriage to T’Pol?” Trip said, casually.

“I know, she did mention it in passing,” said Jon, equally as casually. He’d been taken aback at just how glad he’d been to hear that news. “What do you think?”

“I’m pleased for her,” Trip said. “How much has she told you about the circumstances of it?”

“She told me about her mother, I gather she was essentially blackmailed into the marriage.”

Trip grimaced.

“That’s pretty much it. I hope with all these changes T’Pau’s gonna bring in with the discovery of the Kin- Kir-,”

“Kir’Shara,” supplied Jon, “And yes I know what you’re saying. Things will be very different on Vulcan. I’ve read some of the teachings of Surak, T’Pol gave me a copy of a book on the subject some time ago. I’ve asked if I can have copies of some of his original teachings.”

“Bet that’ll be fun bedtime reading,” Trip replied with a grin.

“Maybe you should give it a go? Might give you more of an insight into our resident Vulcan?”

“Believe me, I’ve had more’n enough of an insight.” The engineer got up. “I best get down to engineering, I’ll let you know once the rest of those repairs are complete.”

“Thanks, Trip. I’m expecting a call from the Admiral.”

Trip looked slightly worried.

“We ain’t in any trouble are we? I did disobey a direct order!”

“No, it’s all been straightened out.” Jon smiled to reassure the other man. “He has a new mission for us, I’ll let you know the details when I get them.”

“Thanks, cap’n, I’ll see you later.”

Trip left for engineering and Jon headed for the bridge.

* * *

Ever since Malcolm had got word that T’Pol was once more a free agent, he watched Trip closely whenever he was with her. It niggled at the back of his mind that Trip had successfully concealed his relationship with the captain for nearly a year and also Malcolm’s own relationship with him. He was confident no one had any idea that he and Trip were anything more than very good friends. Trip was normally a very open person but as he got to know him better, realised that when it came to relationships, he was a very private individual.

The engineer and the science officer were both professional and cordial with each other for the most part, though they seemed to have resumed their petty bickering that had been the hallmark of their relationship in the first couple of years of the mission.

He also observed the captain watching T’Pol a great deal as well and wondered if he had any idea of the shifting relationships going on under his nose. Although he seemed more relaxed than he had been since they’d returned from the Expanse, he still seemed to be keeping his distance from the crew.

Despite Malcolm’s complaints that Archer was too friendly with his crew and didn’t properly reinforce the rank structure, he found he missed the easygoing captain from the early days of the mission. Unfortunately, he still didn’t listen to his tactical officer often enough, was still insistent on exposing himself to every risky mission, as he had proven over the last couple of months since they’d set out from Earth.

Malcolm turned his attention back to his tactical station, checking his scans of the neighbourhood, running weapons tests. On hearing the turbolift he glanced up to see Trip enter the bridge and immediately make a beeline for T’Pol’s station. He watched them carefully as the two of them examined something on her console, deep in discussion. After a few minutes, Trip came over to the engineering station, flashing a smile at Malcolm that made his heart flip.

“Everything okay, Commander?” he asked.

“Jus’ peachy, lieutenant,” he said. “T’Pol reported a glitch in the lateral sensor array but I got it sorted. Just some blown relays interruptin’ the feed.”

Trip turned back to his station and busied himself with his work. Malcolm glanced across at the other side to see T’Pol gazing back across as well, presumably at Trip. As soon as she realised Malcolm was watching her, she looked down at her station. He had to suppress a smirk at her seemingly emotional reaction. Yet he couldn’t help feel a little dread at what that implied in terms of her and Trip.

Did it signify that Trip had finally made his choice? Was he going to lose the man he loved forever?


	5. Daedalus

**Post Ep ‘Daedalus’**

T’Pol sat in her quarters examining the _Kir’Shara_. She was perusing the transcript of a mediation Surak had carried out between two rival clans, admiring his use of logic to convince the two leaders to set aside their differences. The more she read, the more she found herself examining her own life and decisions. Now that her _pa’nar_ syndrome was cured, she was easily able to use the disciplines to maintain control of her emotions but it was different, where before her control had been a mask she had to consciously apply, now it seemed the very essence of her being. Her thoughts had also acquired an extra clarity and she was able to examine more dispassionately recent events of the past, particularly in connection with Commander Tucker.

It seemed that he wished to renew their friendship but while her energies were directed towards deeper understanding of Surak’s teachings, she did not want the distraction. Captain Archer had also indicated a strong interest in learning more about the man whose _katra_ had resided inside him.

Since then, she had noticed a change in the captain, she suspected that Surak had left a permanent mark on the captain’s personality and it intrigued her greatly. She’d agreed to allocate some time in interpreting some of Surak’s more esoteric concepts into terms she thought he could understand.

There was still something that troubled her. Along with the _pa’nar_ syndrome, T’Pau had eradicated the damage done by the trellium. She recalled the shame she’d felt when T’Pau had discovered the memories of her addiction and its consequences, though she had felt no judgement from the other woman, who already seemed wise beyond her years. She now understood why T’Les held her in such high regard.

She suspected that she needed something humans referred to as ‘closure’ before she could finally move on past those events. Her decision made, she left her quarters and sought Commander Tucker.

* * *

Trip was thinking of turning in for the night when the door chime sound. He answered the door to find T’Pol standing outside and gestured her in.

“Somethin’ I can help you with, Commander?” he said, warily. They’d had another of their confusing conversations which left him feeling as though he was missing the point or reading something he wasn’t sure was there. The upshot was that she wanted to spend less time with him, something he was perfectly fine with. Now she was here and pretty much in the middle of the night!

“There is something I need to tell you,” she said. “May we sit?”

She sat in the desk chair when he gestured it, noticing she was holding herself very stiff. It seemed as though she was a little uneasy.

“I must ask that what I am about to tell you, you keep in the strictest confidence. Do you agree?”

Trip frowned, hesitant.

“This ain’t something that’ll be a danger to the ship is it?” She shook her head.

“You should know by now you can trust me, I kept my lip buttoned about that letter I accidentally read, remember?”

T’Pol nodded stiffly.

“Yes, Commander and I appreciated your discretion in the matter. This matter is something which is personal to me but I believe affected you.” She paused and looked directly at him and her gaze was unguarded, if he was reading her right, he would say she seemed embarrassed or even ashamed.

“When we were in the Expanse,” she began, her voice very calm. “I had difficulties with my emotional control. I began to experience emotions, beyond my ability to master them. It began around the same time we commenced our neuropressure sessions.

“They had an allure for me, but I had difficulty releasing them, until we encountered the _Seleya_. The trellium exposure on the ship caused me to act with extreme irrationality and I was fortunate that Phlox was able to treat me as my fate would have been the same as the _Seleya_ ’s crew. However I found myself craving the release of emotions that I had been experiencing, that was intensified on the _Seleya_.”

Trip stared at her incredulously. He had a feeling he knew where she was going for this and he hoped he was wrong.

“I quickly discovered that small amounts of trellium allowed me to experience a small release of my emotional inhibitions and so I began to inject myself with the trellium to achieve that release. Only…” she stopped and this time Trip was unable to mistake the shame in her eyes. “I became addicted.”

Trip ran a hand through his hair and sighed. He closed his eyes briefly and thought back to when they were in the expanse. The captain had risk everyone on the ship to avoid T’Pol becoming exposed to the trellium… only she exposed herself deliberately anyway. He then remembered something about the aftermath of the battle of Azati Prime.

“You broke into the cargo bay didn’t you?” he said, unable to keep the note of accusation out of his voice. “Didn't you understand how dangerous that was?”

She said nothing in return, not that she could offer anything in her defence. He looked at her in disappointment.

“Tell me something… when we made, no ‘mated’ you called it,” he stood up and started pacing. “When we mated, had you injected yourself with the trellium?”

“Yes,” she said levelly. “Afterwards, I experienced jealousy at seeing you with Corporal Cole and when I thought you were interested in her. Yet my experience with Sim lead me to believe that you had feelings for me and to explore those feelings, I chose to seduce you.”

Trip stared at her in disbelief. None of this made any kind of sense, it was as if they had been sucked into some bizarre parallel universe.

“I was never interested in Cole,” he said. “She was just a friend!” He shook his head. “And Sim wasn’t me, he may have had my memories but he didn’t live them, he had his own experiences. I care for you, T’Pol, but I ain’t in love with you.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I’m in love with someone else and thanks to you, I might have screwed things up for us for good.”

“Trip, I never-”

“Stow it, T’Pol, in fact I think you’d better leave ‘fore I say something I really regret.”

She nodded and quietly left the room.

He sat heavily on the bed, trying to reorganise his thoughts. He felt used by her but he also felt pity for her. He knew she had taken a huge risk by accompanying them on their mission, she was under no obligation to go yet she chose to share the risk. Not only that, she’d helped him come to terms with his grief for his sister. That was not something he could forget.

He decided to sleep on it and talk to her again in the morning.

* * *

In the morning he went to breakfast and saw Malcolm sat with Travis and Hoshi. It made his heart hurt seeing him, that little half smirk on his face as Travis regaled his table companions with a boomer tale, the way that little stray curl sat on his forehead. Trip’s fingers twitched as he imagined pushing it back. Quietly, he moved across the hall to the captain’s private mess, where he was expected for breakfast. As he went past, the two ensigns and Malcolm looked up and greeted him. He returned the greeting, but looking into the armoury officer’s navy eyes he thought he saw a touch of sadness.

 

 


	6. The Aenar / Affliction

**Post Ep ‘The Aenar’**

He screwed up, he totally screwed up. And thanks to him, that sweet Andorian girl, Jhamel could’ve gotten seriously hurt. All because of he couldn’t keep his mind on his fucking job, too busy thinking about Malcolm and T’Pol.

He and T’Pol started speaking again after she’d confessed her trellium abuse. He couldn’t find it in himself to condemn her, he figured she carried enough of a burden of guilt without him adding to it. She accepted his forgiveness graciously and they given each other some space.

T’Pol had immersed herself in the _Kir’Shara_ , kept talking about maybe pursuing something she called ‘ _Kolinahr_ ’, which she wouldn’t explain. Then she kept trying to find out who he was in love with and he refused to say. Frankly she pissed him off with her prying, wondering why the hell it was so important for her to know.

He suspected she had her theories, may be she thought it was the captain. He almost wished that she did think that, except he had his own suspicions about her and the captain. It seemed the captain was very keen on studying Vulcan culture these days. T’Pol had blown Trip off in favour of the _Kir’Shara_ but judging by snippets of conversations he was hearing between the captain and T’Pol, he’d been aiding her in his studies.

It made him wonder what it would take to get T’Pol to sleep with the captain then he laughed to himself. It almost felt incestuous, this mix up of relationships. _Guess this is what you get in such a closed environment!_  He’d seen it happen in the lower ranks, Kelly had been seeing Zabul for a few months at the beginning of the mission, then she started dating Marconi. Zabul moved on to Taylor, but left the ship before they entered the expanse. Marconi and Taylor hooked up after Kelly finished with him, though that didn’t last long due to Taylor’s death. He’d heard that since the expanse, Kelly and Marconi had hooked back up again. So if T’Pol and Jon got together, would that pave the way for him and Malcolm again? He doubted it.

Malcolm was keeping his distance as he did once before. He tried to breach it but was rebuffed every time, making him fear that it was now too late, he’d gotten sick of waiting for Trip and no longer loved him. Malcolm had even questioned him about T’Pol, about whether he was going to pursue her now she was divorced.

His heart ached when he remembered the two of them on the remote ship, it had been like old times, with the two of them working together seamlessly. Then afterwards in the EV suit room, teasing Malcolm and laughing at the look of horror on his face when he thought Trip was going to write him up. Shortly after that, Trip had keeled over, a delayed reaction to the radiation poisoning and the anti-radiation treatment Malcolm had administered.

He was dimly aware of Malcolm frantically calling for Phlox then the next thing he knew he woke in sickbay. He’d earned himself an overnight stay then was released back to his quarters the next day. He’d slept badly that night, which is why he was aware no one, not Jon nor Malcolm not even T’Pol had come to see him.

He’d never felt so alone, Jon was distant from him, no longer the best friend he once was. Malcolm had given up on him and even T’Pol had turned away from, absorbed in her search for her Vulcan roots. If that wasn’t enough, Phlox’s pitying looks were salt in the wound, as were his suggestions that Trip was suffering from ‘unrequited love’. At least Phlox had gotten the object wrong, assuming that it was T’Pol that was the focus of Trip’s attention.

There was nothing left for him here any more, he decided as he picked up the PADD with his transfer request. Around him were the constant reminders of what he had lost. Now they occupied his mind, taking the joy out of his work, distracting him from his duty. The hum of the warp reactor no longer soothed him like it did.

It was time to go, _Enterprise_ didn’t feel like home any more, too many memories haunting him, of Jon, T’Pol, Malcolm. All of them had fucked him only to toss him aside, because he couldn’t be what they wanted.

“Charles Tucker, chief engineer and chief slut of the Starship _Enterprise_ ,” he said to the room out loud.

Holding the PADD, he went to see the captain.

* * *

**Missing Scenes ‘Affliction’**

Malcolm managed to keep the shock off his face when the captain broke the news. Trip was leaving? He loved this ship! Obviously things hadn’t worked out with T’Pol after all, if he was leaving. He would be gone in a couple of days, they were on their way back to Earth for the launch of _Columbia_. He tried to talk to Trip about it but, the engineer avoided him, keeping himself busy in engineering or with the captain.

The leaving do was painful, Trip was jovial, joking around, chatting to everyone, except the captain, T’Pol and Malcolm. He took pains to avoid them, concentrating on his engineering crew. When Malcolm got close enough, he saw Trip’s bonhomie was merely a shallow façade, those who knew him well could not fail to see the pain in his eyes. So he was running away.

Now he was gone, with no chance for a last minute reconciliation. Despite apparently resigning himself to losing Trip to the Vulcan woman, it had hurt to see Trip leave, to go to engineering and not hear that lazy Southern American drawl. To turn around on the bridge and not see him standing behind him.

Now he was with Captain Hernandez, who was probably thinking she’d been visited by Father Christmas, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all at once, being gifted with such an engineer. _Columbia_ was behind on her launch schedule, problems with her warp engine. If anyone could get her going, Trip could. He would be in his element over there, Malcolm thought. How long would it take Trip to get over what he had left behind? Before he moved on to someone else?

The worse thing of all was that Trip had never even given him the opportunity to say goodbye.

* * *

Trip was gone, leaving a gaping hole in Jon’s heart. Maybe he’d gotten over him as a lover but Trip was still a part of him. It didn’t seem right not to have him here yet he hadn’t been able to muster the energy to make him stay. Erika would take good care of him, he thought with a pang and Jon knew that she would appreciate his engineering talents. Perhaps the two of them would become the good friends Jon and Trip used to be.

So many things had gone wrong between them and Jon regretted deeply that he never really had a chance to put things right. Something had obviously happened to make him want to leave and to his shame he had no idea what. Trip was once his closest friend, his lover and he failed to see the hurt he was carrying around with him.

 _Some friend I turned out to be!_ he thought. Already, just a day since he left it seemed the ship felt different. Engineering was quieter than usual, the mess hall more subdued. He’d invited Commander Kelby, Trip’s replacement for dinner with him, T’Pol and Phlox. That had been a grim ordeal, Kelby being rather humourless, lacking Trip’s spark. Kelby seemed intimidated by T’Pol and Jon found he missed Trip’s bickering with the Vulcan woman. Phlox also made the new chief engineer nervous, despite the genial Denobulan’s attempts to set him at his ease, talking about his planned visit with Ensign Sato to Earth and asking the commander if he’d had the pleasure of visiting Madame Chang’s.

Jon knew he was being unfair, it must be difficult to try and integrate into a new ship where everyone had a shared history. He needed to give Kelby more of a chance but he worried that he lacked Trip’s intuition when it came to the the engines.

It was a period of adjustment they all would have to make. It was done, Trip was gone and now they all had to move on.

 


	7. Divergence

**Post Ep 'Divergence'**

“Malcolm, I wanna know what’s going on,” Trip said as he cornered the other man in the armoury.

“I suggested you ask the captain,” said Malcolm, curtly. “I’m not at liberty to discuss it.”

“He’s refusing to discuss it as well!”

“Then I can’t help you. When are you leaving?”

Trip looked at him, hurt. It sounded like Malcolm couldn’t wait for him to go.

“I don’t know… Cap’n’s asked me to hang around and help with the repairs,” he said. “I’m sure you’ll have me outta your hair soon enough.”

Malcolm let out a small sigh and crossed his arms.

“I didn’t mean for it to sound quite like it did,” he said. “I still don’t know why you left in the first place!”

“I had my reasons,” said Trip, “There wasn’t anything left to keep me here.”

Malcolm stared at the other man.

“Let’s not talk about this here,” he said. “Meet me in the aft observation lounge, 2200.”

Trip felt a small flutter of hope in his chest.

“Sure, Lieutenant,” he said. “I’ll see you then.” He turned and left.

Trip headed back to his quarters feeling a little bit of trepidation. He was frustrated that the captain had refused to tell him why Malcolm was in the brig; when he finally made it on to the ship, if it hadn’t have been for the presence of the MACOs, he would have thrown his arms around the armoury officer.

The whole terrifying trip along the tether, he was focused on the sound of Malcolm’s voice, calm and even, urging him onwards. He had his face in his mind, looking down on him, willing Trip to move faster along the tether. One false step and Trip would have been dead.

The last few feet were agonising, his arms aching from the strain of pulling himself hand over hand, knowing he was so close to safety. When Malcolm finally pulled him onto the ship just as the tether housing had given way, he’d been shaking, grateful for Malcolm’s steadying presence. Then he saw the MACOs and Malcolm had said in a tone of voice he would have used to announce he was going for a cup of tea, that he’d had a disagreement with the captain. No one talked, Hoshi and Travis had both avoided his eyes and T’Pol had simply told him she was not at liberty to disclose anything.

At least Malcolm had now been reinstated, no charges brought as far as he was aware. Now that the crisis was past he decided he would find out the truth one way or another.

* * *

Jon heard the door chime and wished he could just ignore it. He was unsurprised when he opened the door to see Trip there, holding a bottle of Speyside single malt. Trip only ever got the good stuff out when he wanted something.

“Better come in,” he said, gesturing inside. Trip nodded and placed the bottle on the table. Jon disappeared into the head and reappeared with a couple of glasses which he placed next to the bottle. Trip filled them, passing a glass to the captain, before downing his own, Jon following suit. The engineer then topped both glasses up.

“Good stuff,” said the captain. “So what do you want to know?”

“I wanna know what’s been happening here! I’m gone a month, the engine’s trashed and Malcolm’s in the brig!”

“Don’t think your presence here could’ve prevented any of this,” snapped Jon. “Especially when it came to Lieutenant Reed!”

“I didn’t say that, Cap’n,” Trip retorted. “I jus’ wanna know what’s going on. You and Malcolm are both wound up tighter than clock springs and it ain’t healthy.”

Jon sighed heavily.

“I shouldn’t be telling you any of this,” he said. “You’re no longer under my command and what I do know is privileged information.”

“C’mon, Cap’n, you know you can trust me. And I know you’re gonna let this eat you up inside.”

“I can give you the bare bones of it. Malcolm lied to me. He deliberately falsified and tampered with evidence to throw us off the trail to Phlox’s kidnappers. He delayed us, putting the doctor’s life at risk.”

Trip looked shocked.

“I don’t believe it, is this the same Malcolm?” Trip suddenly looked pale. “Oh, God, Jon, did something happened to him? Was he replaced by a Suliban agent?”

Jon smiled bitterly.

“You know, when I first saw the evidence, that was one of my first thoughts, that he wasn’t Reed. Unfortunately no, it was our Malcolm Reed who did this. Under orders from a secret organisation within Starfleet.”

“Wow! What organisation?”

“One you’ve not heard of of,” said Jon, bitterly. “Whose authority apparently exceeded my own.”

“So Malcolm’s been working for some covert ops gig all the time he’s been here? What is he, some kind of spook?” Trip looked shocked by this revelation and Jon thought he saw a glimmer of something else in his eye.

“He's told me that he thought he severed his ties with them years ago, before he came aboard _Enterprise_. He said this was the first time he’d heard anything from them since then. He told them he would not help them any more.”

“Do you believe him?”

Jon took another sip of his drink and sighed.

“I want to, Trip,” he said, “He told me he was assured that Phlox wouldn’t be harmed but that turned out to be a lie.”

“I don’t think it’s a lie that this ship and crew means everything to him, Cap’n,” Trip said softly. “He must have been given a pretty convincing argument to do what he did.”

“I know, Trip, which is why I’m willing to give him another chance. He seemed adamant he wanted nothing more to do with his former employers. But I’m worried, what if they get to him again? Regardless, I’ve instructed him not to speak of this to anyone. Including you.”

“I tried to get him to tell me what had happened,” Trip admitted. “He wouldn’t say.”

“Good,” said Jon. “I’ve given him the opportunity to earn back my trust. That means I expect him not to say anything to you about what happened. I also am trusting you not to tell him what you know.”

“I won’t say anything more about it to him,” Trip promised. “I’ve said I’ll meet him later to talk.”

Jon smiled sadly.

“I can’t help but think that maybe he was wrestling with the same kind of dilemmas as I did in the Expanse,” said Jon. “I can’t forget about the Illyrians we stranded. Even if we did request the Xindi to find them and render assistance.”

“Did they find them?” asked Trip.

“I got a message sent onto me by Admiral Gardner from the Xindi ambassador. They did find them and were able to help get them home. Apparently, our own diplomatic service has opened talks with the Illyrians.” _  
_

“Glad to hear it,” said Trip.

“If Phlox hadn’t discovered a cure for the augment virus, the Klingon empire may have been wiped out,” said Jon thoughtfully. “That was the reason for Malcolm’s delaying tactics, to give Phlox time to work.”

“Wouldn’t have thought you’d’ve mourned their loss,” Trip drawled.

Jon looked at him sharply.

“Despite my disagreements with the Klingons, I wouldn’t want to see the whole race wiped out.” he snapped. “I would’ve thought you of all people would’ve understood that!”

Trip looked chastened.

“You’re right, Cap’n,” he said. “I’m sorry, that was a shitty thing to say.” He got up and picked up the bottle, replacing the lid.

“I gotta go,” he said. “Thanks for telling me what happened.” Before he went out the door, Jon caught his arm.

“Trip, if you want to come back to _Enterprise_ …”

Over ten years of shared history passed between them with one look.

“I’ll think about it, Cap’n,” Trip said.

* * *

Malcolm arrived at the aft observation lounge precisely at 2200 hours. Unsurprisingly, Trip wasn’t there though the armoury officer didn’t have to wait long, as the engineer came in a few minutes later, looking slightly flushed.

“Sorry, Malcolm,” he said. “I’ve been with the captain.”

Malcolm’s eyes narrowed.

“No!” Trip went redder. “We were just talking! Jeez, Malcolm, you didn’t seriously think-”

“I never know what to think where you’re concerned,” he retorted. “At least tell me now why you left!”

“I needed to make a fresh start,” Trip replied, not looking at the other man. Instead he stared out of the viewport. “I was too wrapped up in what was going on with you and T’Pol to concentrate on my job. When I heard that Captain Hernandez was having trouble with _Columbia_ ’s engines, I decided it was the opportunity I needed to get away.”

“So things didn’t work out with you and T’Pol,” Malcolm concluded.

“What she wants and what I want are two separate things,” Trip said. “She won’t even talk to me properly, just gives me all this cryptic shit about the _Kir’Shara_!”

Malcolm tentatively touched Trip’s shoulder. The engineer was tense, wound up tight. He had the feeling that he was concealing something.

“Did it help, being away from _Enterprise_?”

Trip turned around, his face a picture of misery.

“No,” he said. “I missed you, Jon, the crew. Hell, I even missed T'Pol! Nothing’s changed though. I’m still as confused as I was before I left. Maybe I just need more time. If you asked me to come here looking for answers, then I’m afraid you’ve wasted your time.”

Trip shrugged off Malcolm’s hand.

“I’m turning in, gotta busy day tomorrow,” he said. “G’night, Malcolm.”

Malcolm watched as Trip trudged out of the room. Not long after he, followed him.

* * *

He was tempted to take up Jon’s offer, he was seriously considering it. Jumping ship hadn’t helped, in fact it had made things worse. He missed Malcolm terribly and the rest of the crew as well. He’d rebuffed the overtures of friendship from the other senior staff on _Columbia_ and he knew he didn’t fool Captain Hernandez, who’d known him almost as long as Jon had. She was a good captain, the _Columbia_ couldn’t be in better hands but it wasn’t the same as being on the _Enterprise_ with Jon Archer.

The whole situation with T’Pol was still at crisis point. He wondered if the trellium had had an affect on him as well. He realised, to his chagrin, that he’d probably exposed her to it after they returned from the mine; he and the captain had been covered in the stuff and that was when they’d started the neuropressure sessions. Even though he knew they had no idea at that time of the effects the trellium-d had on Vulcan physiology, he still felt guilty about it.

On _Columbia_ he still found she occupied his thoughts, he’d dreamed of her several times, of the night they’d had together but sometimes the dreams turned into nightmares, where she lost control, like the Vulcans on the _Seleya_. They’d been in the shower kissing then she’d slammed him against the enclosure before squeezing her hands around his neck. He’d wake up at that point, shaking. Then those weird daydreams where he found himself in a white room with her, talking to her as she really was right in front of him. That was the strangest thing of all.

He wished he could fathom out what it all meant.

  



	8. Bound

  **Post Ep ‘Bound'**

"I guess we have a lot of work to do."

T'Pol watched as he walked off down the corridor. Despite the bond she didn’t think she would ever understand Trip, let alone any human. She was already considering making discreet enquiries as to how to the sever the bond. She knew she did not wish to be in a romantic relationship with him and it seemed to her it was not something he wanted either, though she could be incorrect in her judgement.

What she had seen of human relationships was confusing and very different from Vulcan marriage. As much as Trip had come a long way from his originally provincial attitude, he still did not strike her as flexible enough to appreciate the amount of compromise that would be required in an interspecies relationship. Given as well how much she had undergone in trying to attain once more her emotional mastery and the progress she had made in her study of the  _Kir’Shara_ , she did not want to complicate her exploration of  _c’thia_  with human emotions. 

He certainly had the knack of provoking extreme emotional reactions from her. She'd kissed him because she thought it was what he wanted, frustrated by her attempts to convey to him just how much he was needed on this ship. Only, when the kiss was over, they both knew that it hadn't been what either of them wanted. It was like the kiss she'd shared with Sim, it wasn't a kiss of romantic love, it was a kiss of acknowledgement of the closeness they shared, of the bond of friendship.

The fact he went out of his way to provoke such a reaction from her proved that he didn't not fully appreciate this, that he would never accept her Vulcan nature fully, he would always try to find ways to make her more human and therefore more acceptable to him. 

However, she concluded, he was right in some ways in it not being a 'big deal', especially if they didn't let it be. What mattered was that he was back where he belonged. Once more  _Enterprise_ 's family was complete. _  
_

* * *

He walked off, silently congratulating himself on how cool he'd played it. Then he felt guilty, knowing he'd pushed T'Pol into an emotional reaction. The kiss had taken them both by surprise but as soon as they'd broken it off, they'd known it was a mistake.

 _Story of my life!_ He thought ruefully. Mistake after mistake after mistake. It had to end, he had to stop expecting everyone else to pull him out of the abyss and start taking action to correct some of those mistakes. The revelation of the bond had cause everything to fall into place, now he knew why he'd felt such a strong connection to T'Pol. Both Hernandez and Archer had warned him that they would not allow him to transfer again; everything was at stake. If he screwed up again, his only way out would be to find a way to live with his mistakes or go back to Earth.

So what did he want? It was tempting to leave things as they were, confident that he and Malcolm could recover their friendship, the way he and Jon had. But there was still that little bit of hope in him, that maybe Malcolm still loved him. He knew, with a new clarity, he was absolutely certain he still loved Malcolm.  _Faint heart never won fair lady_... or in this case, uptight, British armoury officers. 

His decision made, Trip went down to the armoury and as he suspected he would, he found Malcolm logging back in all the phase pistols that had recently been removed. He looked up when he saw Trip enter, the phase pistol he was holding not quite pointing at the engineer.

“I’ll let you shoot me, if it’ll make you feel any better?” said Trip with a lopsided grin.

“Believe me, Commander, if I wanted to shoot you, I wouldn’t need you to ‘let’ me. I wouldn’t miss.”

“I’ll do you a deal if you like? You’ll accept my apology for shooting you and I won’t bring up how you were running around the ship like an oversexed teenager.”

Malcolm went red and glared at other man. Then his shoulders slumped and he gave Trip a wry smirk.

“We all made rather a fool of ourselves, except you. Did Phlox work out why the pheromones didn’t affect you?”

“Apparently my animal magnetism was too much for the Orion women.”

Malcolm rolled his eyes at Trip’s claim.

“Yeah, I figured you’d not fall for that one.” He looked Malcolm intently. This was going to be harder than he thought.

“What do you want, Commander?” said Malcolm, now sounding impatient. “If you haven’t anything better to do than take the piss, then I’d kindly like you to sod off back to engineering.”

Trip managed to bite back another retort, realising he didn’t have much time.

“We need to talk, the two of us, off duty. I’ve got something that I need to tell you. I need to see T’Pol first though, I need something from her. I’ve been keeping things from both of you and it can’t go on any more.”

“I see,” said Malcolm. “Then you can swan off back to the _Columbia_ with a clear conscious?”

“I ain't going back to _Columbia_ ,” Trip replied. “My transfer request back here has just been approved, I put it in three days ago. Malcolm, I need to tell T’Pol about us.”

Trip searched Malcolm’s face for any kind of reaction but he kept it as impassive as a Vulcan's. The other man wasn’t planning on making things easy for him and Trip couldn’t escape the feeling that it might all be too late.

“There isn’t an ‘us’, Trip,” he replied.

“I’m kinda hopin' that I might persuade you otherwise.” Trip looked into the other man’s navy blue eyes, hoping to get some kind of clue but the armoury officer was giving nothing away.

“You can tell her, what there is to tell,” he said. “And I’ll hear you out before I decide that it really is over between us. That’s as much as I’m prepared to give you.”

Trip’s stomach knotted and he nodded briefly, trying to remain calm.

“I’ll see you later then? Can I drop by your quarters?”

Malcolm nodded after a brief hesitation.

“Until then, Trip.”

Trip left the armoury and headed to the turbolift. Only when the doors closed did he allow himself to sag against the walls. _Please don’t let it be too late!_

* * *

He arrived at T’Pol’s quarters, feeling nervous. He’d changed out of his uniform into a t-shirt and jeans, wanting to keep this casual. 

"I wanna apologise," he said, as he entered at her invitation. "I guess I was kinda mean to you, old habits die hard."

"I accept your apology," she said. "Though it is not necessary."

"I also need to tell you some stuff as well and I'd like to understand more about this bond."

"I too believe it would be beneficial for us to explore the bond." 

"There is something I wanna ask about it," he said. "Does the bond mean that we're married?" She heard the note of worry in his voice and wanted to reassure him. She paused briefly to compose her thoughts.

"The mating bond between Vulcans is considered equivalent to a human marriage." She held up her hand as he paled and tried to say something. "However, in these circumstances where you had not consented to the bond, I could not consider it so. I was not aware such a bond could be formed with a partner from a non-telepathic species."

"I guess this is the first time that anything like this has happened between a Vulcan and a Human," he offered.

"As far as I'm aware," she agreed. "However you should be aware that in Vulcan law we are married."

Trip ran a hand through his hair and sighed heavily.

"So how do we go about gettin' a divorce?"

"I have been making enquiries," she said. "Divorce is rare on Vulcan, however it is not unheard of. I will inform you once I know what is to be done."

He nodded, relieved.

"So how do we go about exploring this bond? I guess I am pretty curious about it, I think I feel you in my head but it's kinda confusing, I think thoughts which I don't think are mine!"

"If you will consent to a mind meld, then we can explore it together," she said. "Do you consent?"

"Yeah, okay," he chuckled a little nervously. "I never in a million years thought I would ever experience something like this, I guess it is a new form of exploration!"

She raised an eyebrow in response to his comment.

“Please sit,” she said and he did so.

“Do I need to take my shirt off?” he said with a grin and she glanced at him, revealing a little bit of irritation.

“That will not be necessary, I simply require you to remain calm and follow my instructions.” The both sat on the mats, cross legged and opposite each other, close enough that their knees were almost touching. Almost automatically, he breathed deeply in the manner she had taught him for the neuropressure sessions.

“Are you ready? There maybe some discomfort when I enter your mind,” she said.

Trip nodded.

“Go for it.”

She reached out both her hands and her fingers pressed against his forehead and cheeks, firmly but not hard enough to hurt.

“My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts,” she spoke as he closed his eyes, focusing on her presence.

When he opened his eyes he found himself in the white space, with her stood opposite him.

“Our minds are now as one,” she said. “Do not attempt to conceal your thoughts, allow them to flow.”

He looked at the beautiful woman in front of him, then he realised they were both naked. She came over to kiss him but it was a perfunctory kiss, with none of the passion she’d exhibited in the expanse.

“No, this isn’t what I wanted, either,” he said.

She looked at him and smiled, then he smiled back at her.

“You should do that more often, T’Pol, you’ve got a real pretty smile!”

The smile disappeared but he did notice a twinkle in her eye. He realised, to his relief they were clothed again. Then he was aware the scene had changed. They were in his quarters and they weren’t alone.

“Malcolm, what are you doing here!”

“I’m a construct of your mind, I believe,” he said. “You told me you had things to tell T’Pol.”

 _Okay, this is getting weird!_ Malcolm approached him and shoved him hard against the bulkhead, capturing his lips in a searing kiss, Trip’s arms going around the other man.

When the kiss broke, his eyes opened, only it was Jon he held in his arms and he pulled away abruptly. _Jon, I’m sorry!_

The scene changed again, now he and Jon were in the inspection pod on their way to _Enterprise_ for their first mission. Another scene change and Trip realised they were going through his memories, the first time Trip had met T’Pol, his discovery of her letter from home, Jon making love to him in his quarters, he and Malcolm dying in the shuttlepod, _I love you!_ Then in Florida, by the trench, _Oh God, Lizzie!_  A bright flash of pain and his knees gave way, only T’Pol’s slender strength kept him from falling.

More memories, from the Expanse, of the crew fighting for survival, thinking Jon was dead, not once, but twice! He and Malcolm frantically making love thinking they were both going to die. Watching T’Pol’s wedding, his heart aching for his friend. Malcolm again; _I can’t go through all this again, not with you!_

And around the memories a silvery web, the bond between him and T’Pol. Again another scene change and they were on Vulcan, only there was a small girl with her father, looking at his little one with unfettered pride on his face, she had passed the _Kahs-wan_. Now they were seeing her memories. He saw her life on Vulcan, with her mother, at the academy, running through a forest, _I killed!_ Then on the Earth at the embassy with Soval, coming on board the _Enterprise_. He saw the crew through her eyes, saw how she came to respect, then to cherish them, though the captain was most prominent. The two of them in the shuttlepod, watching the dark matter nebula. Jon carrying her through the ship, running to sickbay as she was dying in his arms.

He saw her in the captain’s ready room, tears running down her cheek as she grieved for Jonathan Archer, saw her carefully concealed joy at seeing him alive again after they had been transported back in time. Saw her at the wedding, prepared to sacrifice herself to save her mother. Then on Vulcan again in the captain’s company, as he accepted the _katra_ of Surak.

Finally they were back in the white room again, just the two of them and she looked shaken. He held out a hand to her.

“T’Pol?” he said softly.

“I am… alright,” she said. “You are in love with Lieutenant Reed.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I was going to tell you, wasn’t expecting it to come out like this.”

“Why did you not tell me before?” she asked, perplexed. “I had mistakenly believed that you were attracted to me.”

“I couldn’t, Malcolm asked me not to. He wasn’t ready to reveal our relationship to the crew. Now, if I have even the remotest chance of fixing things between us, I gotta tell him about this.”

All of a sudden they were back in her quarters, T’Pol having lifted her hands from his face.

“Forgive me, Trip,” she said. “My foolish actions in the expanse have caused you pain. I free you from your promise; you may reveal what you need to, to Lieutenant Reed.”

He smiled at her and leaned over to grip her hand.

“I’m sorry too, I screwed things up as well,” he said. “We’re both to blame for this. Not even for all of this, we didn’t know about the trellium, about the bond.”

“I will endeavour to expedite our divorce," she said. "You should leave now." She got up as he did.

Trip nodded and went to press the door control. Before he did so, he turned back to her.

“Just answer me one thing. How long have you been in love with the captain?”

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Parallel to "In the Mirror Darkly" but not in the Mirror Universe, it does follow on directly from the last chapter. Titles, Schmitles. Still in my AU.**

T'Pol stared at Trip.

"I do not comprehend how you came to that conclusion," she said.

"Come off it, I've just been inside your head. I know you care for him."

It was not logical to deny it. She had developed a strong admiration and feeling of affection for Jonathan for some time now. The question was what she should do about it, especially as she did not know how the captain felt.

"You are correct," she admitted. "I do...  _cherish_ him. I am not certain how to proceed, or even if it is wise to do so."

"I'm afraid I'm the last person to give relationship advice, T'Pol. I'm possibly looking at five relationships I've screwed up beyond all recognition if I can't fix things with Malcolm. All I can say is go with your gut."

A raised eyebrow told him that she didn't think much of this advice.

"Perhaps you should go," she said. "You said you were to see Lieutenant Reed now?"

"Yeah, I'd better face the music." Trip got up. "Thanks, T'Pol, for doing this. I appreciate it."

"Thanks are not necessary," she said. "I believe it would be appropriate to wish you luck."

He grinned.

"Thanks, I'll need it." He left the room.

T'Pol took one of the candles and placed it in front of her. She had a lot more meditating to do.

* * *

Trip stood outside Malcolm's door, shifting nervously. Twice he lifted his hand to ring the chime and twice his hand had fallen.

"Getta hold of yourself," he muttered, before pressing the chime. The door opened almost immediately.

His mouth became dry as took in the sight of Malcolm casually dressed in a tight black t-shirt and black jeans looking, to Trip's eyes, breathtakingly gorgeous. With an elegant gesture of a fine boned hand, Malcolm pointed over to the desk chair, which Trip took, taking a deep breath and trying to control his body's reaction to the other man.

"Drink?" Malcolm waved a bottle in Trip's general direction. Trip nodded and took it. Looking at the label he saw it was a dark ale, not really his sort of thing, but it was drinkable. He took a short swig, as Malcolm looked steadily at him.

"You going to have to come up with something very convincing if you want to me give me one more chance."

"I know," said Trip. "Believe me, it's all I can think about. It goes back to when I slept with T'Pol. I'm more sorry than I can say that I did that. I can't speak for her motivations but I can tell you neither of us wanted a relationship with each other."

"You could've fooled me," said Malcolm, bitterly.

"I'm not going to deny there's a connection between us," said Trip. "Especially as I know why. It seems that when we had sex, a psychic bond was formed between us. The bond kept pulling us towards each other and we kept trying to fight it, not knowing what it was. The bond is the reason I was immune to the Orion women."

"So you're basically in each other's heads?" Malcolm looked incredulous. "Good grief, can she read what's going on in your mind right now?"

"It doesn't work like that," Trip replied. "It's more of a sense of her presence. I can't read what she's thinkin' right now and I don't think she can read me either. We weren't even aware we were bonded until I left for Columbia. She thought the physical distance between us caused the bond to exert itself. I started having weird day dreams where I was in a white space with T'Pol. Eventually she figured it out, after I acted like an ass and denied all knowledge of it."

"So this bond still exists. What do you plan to do about it?"

"T'Pol intends to get it severed, but she's not sure how. She said she'll look into it and let me know. Until she does, technically, we're married."

"Married!" Malcolm looked shocked.

"Yeah and very much about to get divorced!"

"Is that what you both want?"

Trip looked at him in surprise.

"Absolutely, no question about it. She doesn't want this bond any more than I do. At least we know 'bout it and it explains all the crazy shit that's been going on between us."

Both of them lapsed into silence, not knowing how to proceed, instead they concentrated on their beer.

"I understand-"

"Trip, I-"

Both of them stopped trying to speak. Malcolm then gestured for Trip to continue.

"I understand if you want me to go, if you don't wanna give me another chance. You've given me way too many as it is. I promise I'll respect your decision as long as we can still be friends."

"You're right," agreed Malcolm. "And perhaps it would be best for both of us if we do stay as friends and colleagues. For one thing, I don't make a habit of getting involved with married people."

Trip stood up, his heart plummeting into his boots. He squared his shoulders, he'd made a promise to Malcolm and he wasn't going to renege on it. He moved to the door then stopped when he felt a hand grip his arm, pulling him, turning around.

"Funny thing is," continued Malcolm. "We don't always want what's best for us and as I said before, I've spent far too much time trying to figure you out to accept it was all for nothing."

Trip stared open mouthed, for once at a loss for words as he tried to fathom out Malcolm's meaning.

"Get divorced," Malcolm continued. "Even if this  _soi-disant_  marriage of yours is just a technicality, it exists. I'm not entirely comfortable with there being a third person in this room, even if she is only inside your head."

Trip let out a shaky breath.

"Thank you Mal," he said, "I guess this is much as I can ask for. I'd better go then." He tried to pull away gently but the other man tightened his grip on his arm.

"I haven't finished with you yet," he said with a smirk. "We still have some issues to thrash out."

"Fair enough, I guess," said Trip. "I want this to work, I don't want to screw this up again! I love you too much to do otherwise."

The British man nodded and released his grip.

"I need to know, how much of this does the captain know?"

"Truthfully? None of it. He doesn't know about me sleepin' with T'Pol or the bond. He doesn't know about us either."

"One of my concerns is that I have been working hard to repair the damage my actions have done to the captain's trust. As much as I dislike having my personal life broadcast all over the ship, I feel that we should take the captain into our confidence. I don't feel comfortable with having a relationship with another senior officer without him knowing about it."

"He won't object," said Trip, "If that's what you're worried about."

"I hope you're right," he said. "I don't want to do anything to jeopardise either of our careers. I've certainly done enough damage to mine."

"I haven't exactly got a perfect record, either," admitted Trip. "But if you are comfortable with Cap'n knowing about us, then once I've got everything sorted with T'Pol we'll tell him."

Malcolm shook his head.

"Things haven't been right on this ship since the expanse, we've all be at cross purposes. This ship depends on her senior crew working as a seamless team and that can't happen while none of us are communicating effectively."

"What are you saying Mal?" Trip looked at him in puzzlement.

"I'm saying that all of us, you, me, the captain and T'Pol need to sit down and talk. I learnt the hard way that keeping secrets can be destructive. I nearly lost everything I held dear, including the life of someone I consider a friend because of the secrets I kept from my captain."

Trip swallowed, then nodded.

"We'll get this set up for the morning. I'll send a request to the cap'n tonight."

"Thank you. Now, perhaps we should call it a night."

Impulsively, nervous of the other man's reaction, Trip kissed Mal on the lips, a gentle kiss that didn't dare much. He was relieved when he got a smile in return.

"Thanks, Mal." He left, suddenly feeling as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.


	10. In the Mirror Darkly Part II

**Apologies for the delay, have had a really busy couple of days (been making the most of the sunshine!) plus have written this chapter from scratch. The next two chapters will require a little tweaking.**

**Again, contemporaneous to "In the Mirror Darkly" but not in the Mirror Universe. Still in my AU.**

The next morning found the captain, T'Pol, Trip and Malcolm sat around the table in the small conference room. There was nothing immediately pressing as far as the ship was concerned, they were currently orbiting a gas giant in an uninhabited system, the planet having a lot of interesting moons that the science department were busy cataloguing.

Jon stared at the other three people wondering what prompted Trip to ask for this meeting. He'd said it wasn't ship's business, but wouldn't say what it was about. Trip was the first to talk, once everyone had sat with their beverage of choice.

"Thanks, Cap'n, for agreeing to this," he said, looking nervous. "I'm gonna ask something that I know is a lot to ask but it'll make this meeting go a helluva lot smoother."

"As long as it doesn't involve Andorian Ale, I'm willing to listen."

Trip nodded.

"What's said in this room, stays in this room. And it's strictly off the record."

Jon frowned.

"I can't promise something like that unless I know what you're going to tell me! If what's said presents a danger to the ship-"

"It doesn't, Jon," said Trip forcefully.

He was taken aback by the use of his first name, Trip hadn't called him by that for well over a year.

"I take it you want me to leave ranks outside?"

"Damn straight. We're just Jon, T'Pol, Malcolm and Trip."

Jon looked at the other two, who were remaining silent. They both nodded at him.

He had a feeling of dread, as though the others were about to let him in on some deep, dark secret.  _So I'm going to find something out that these three know that I don't! Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like it?_

"So talk then. What have you all been hiding from me?" He tried and failed to keep the resentment out of his voice.

Trip shifted in his seat, staring at the table, Malcolm sat up even straighter in his seat and T'Pol looked as if she was fighting hard to maintain her usual stoicism.

Eventually, Trip spoke up.

"I guess it should start with me and Malcolm," he said, glancing at the armoury officer. He then went onto tell him how he and Malcolm had got together for a few weeks before the Xindi attack.

Jon was surprised; he knew Trip had feelings for Malcolm, but he didn't think the British man returned them or would even do anything about it if he did.

"We were taking things real slow, which is why we kept it quiet at first but then when Lizzie was killed I pushed him away."

"I couldn't be certain if Trip was serious about us," admitted Malcolm, looking at the captain. "I was on the verge of suggesting we tell you when the Xindi attack was confirmed."

"So things didn't work out then?" said Jon, addressing both the men. He ruthlessly suppressed a feeling of satisfaction.

"Not then, no," said Malcolm. Jon stared at him, wondering what he meant. T'Pol then interrupted.

"I believe it would be appropriate at this point for me to speak," she said. "I am sure you are aware that Comm- Trip had great difficulty assimilating his sister's death. At Dr Phlox's suggestion, I began neuropressure sessions to help with his insomnia."

T'Pol then paused and looked at the table, appearing to have to compose herself.

"Lieutenant Reed was not the only person to betray your trust, Captain," she said, softly. "My reasons for doing so were less understandable than his. He at least was following orders, albeit from a questionable authority. I wilfully put this ship at risk and abused someone who came to me for help." She looked at Trip when she said this.

Jon frowned, his stomach twisting into knots, making him wish he'd skipped breakfast that morning.  _What had she done?_  He waited for her to continue.

Trip seemed to be about to say something but then remained silent. Eventually T'Pol began to speak and Jon didn't think he could be any more shocked by what she was revealing than if a squad of Klingons came in, wearing pink tutus and dancing 'The Nutcracker Suite'.

 _Trellium addiction!_ He felt a sudden flare of anger at her revelation but this time Trip didn't hold his silence.

"I know, Jon, I was angry too when I found out. But I don't think it was entirely her fault. I think I may have exposed her to the trellium-d after we came back from that mine, I think I still had some of that stuff on me when we had our first neuropressure session."

"Doctor Phlox and I believe the  _pa'nar_  syndrome may have been a contributory factor," she said. "Not that I am trying to excuse my actions. I cannot and will not excuse them."

"Were you high on trellium when you shagged Trip?" Malcolm accused, his body rigid with anger. Jon realised that the British man was also hearing this for the first time. Then he did a double take;  _T'Pol had sex with Trip?_  He glanced at the two of them, dismayed and jealous. He kept his feelings hidden as he watched the interplay between the three other people, seeing the embarrassment on Trip's face, furious indignation on Malcolm's and T'Pol's eyes filled with regret. To his surprise, he saw Trip reach to take Malcolm's hand and was amazed to see the other man letting him.

"Are you going to continue punishing us both for what we did, Mal? I can't change the past, I wish I could. We've all got things we wish we'd been able to do differently." Trip looked at Jon steadily, reminding him forcefully that his own hands were not clean. He took actions in the Expanse that he regretted but in the cold light of day, he would do them again to save Earth.

"Jon, you made a clone of me to save my life," he continued. "T'Pol put herself into an uncomfortable situation to save my sanity. She already took great risks in coming with us, because of her loyalty to you. Need I remind you again she is the first Vulcan to manage to serve on a Starfleet ship for more than a few weeks? I think we'd all agree that she is an important part of our crew now."

Jon nodded slowly. It was true, he was deeply hurt by her revelation but at the same time, he felt guilty, perhaps he should've done more to persuade her to remain behind when they left Earth for the Expanse.

"We've all done things we later regretted," he said, looking at Malcolm. "None of us are innocent any more." He smiled sadly. "I don't think anyone at home could possibly understand what we've been through, what we've given up or what we've suffered, not just to save Earth from the Xindi but by just being out here, paving humanity's path to the stars."

Looking around the table, he saw he had hit home. Malcolm relaxed and Jon saw him squeeze Trip's hand before releasing it. T'Pol nodded.

"I too came to a realisation about my actions," said T'Pol. "I sought help from Phlox who helped treat me for the trellium abuse. I had been driven to extreme actions by it and it was the realisation that I had failed you, Jonathan, that made me seek that help."

"Perhaps we've all failed each other in some ways," said Jon thoughtfully, looking at all of them. "I know I've made my share of mistakes. I haven't been here for any of you when you needed me."

"You had a difficult task," said T'Pol, "You had the weight of an entire planet on your shoulders."

Jon shook his head.

"We're past all of that, T'Pol. It's been several months since we returned to Earth and I've been keeping all of you at arms' length. Maybe if I hadn't, Trip wouldn't have wanted to leave."

"Maybe you would've just asked more questions about why I wanted to," said Trip, shaking his head. "But it probably wouldn't have stopped me. It wasn't just you, it was a lot of things. Mainly it was about me and T'Pol."

"And me," said Malcolm. "I owe you an apology, Trip. I thought you were using me because you were in denial over your attraction to T'Pol. I've had time to consider what you and T'Pol have said about what happened and that has put the whole event in a different light."

"I guess none of were speaking very clearly," replied Trip. "Maybe if I had tried harder to talk to T'Pol we woulda figured out the bond sooner."

"I too have been remiss," interjected T'Pol. "I allowed my absorption with the  _Kir'Shara_  to blind me from seeing that you needed my help."

"Wait, just hold up a minute," interrupted Jon. "Did you say something about a bond, Trip?"

"T'Pol figured out why I was immune to the Orion women. It's because we're bonded."

_Oh boy, it just keeps coming!_

"What do you mean by bonding?"

"When we mated," said T'Pol, "A telepathic link was formed between myself and Trip. We were not aware of it at the time, I erroneously believed it would not be possible with a non-telepathic species such as yours."

"And I zeroed out in the standard ESP tests as well," offered the engineer. "Definitely no psychic powers here!"

"I have sent a communication to T'Pau to explain the situation and to request her assistance in breaking the bond. It is something which will require careful management, as you yourself will know, Jonathan."

He nodded, grimacing when he recalled the painful procedure required to extract Surak's  _katra_  from him.

"Will you need to go to Vulcan for this?" he asked.

"It is likely we will need the assistance of a Vulcan priest to sever the bond," she said. "However, I expect we shall be able to arrange a Vulcan ship to take us."

"The sooner the better," said Trip. "Until we get the bond severed, under Vulcan law, T'Pol and I are married." He didn't sound remotely happy about it, Jon noted and Malcolm as well looked rather put out.

"Wow," said Jon. "I have to say that is one hell of a shock!"

"Jon, I can assure you that neither T'Pol and I wanted this. I don't want her and she certainly doesn't want me. I'm not the man for her." Trip seemed to look very intently at Jon and he wondered why.

"I'm guessing you and Malcolm…" he trailed off.

Malcolm glanced at Trip before nodding.

"Yes, Captain," he said steadily. "We intend to resume our previous relationship. That is unless you object?"

"As long as it doesn't interfere with your duties I have no objection. Trip isn't your line officer, I am. All your personnel reviews will be done by me or T'Pol."

Trip smiled softly at the other man.

"It's gonna be a fresh start for us," he said. "A fresh start for all of us. T'Pol, we do make one helluva team and with the cap'n and Malcolm too."

Jon smiled.

"That's what we all need," he said. "We need to get back to our original mission, explore what's out there. Talk to each other, be friends again. I withdrew because I was afraid that I would have to sacrifice each and everyone of you to save Earth. But I learned it wouldn't have hurt any less to lose any of you.

"I can't forget any one of the people we lost in the Expanse, I think about them pretty much every day. It hurts that they never know what their deaths bought, never knew they helped the continued existence of Earth. The only thing we can do is to remember they were on this ship because they believed in this mission and in the stars. We'll continue  _Enterprise_ 's mission in their memory."

The others nodded in agreement.

"If anyone has anything else to add, then do it now, otherwise I suggest we get back to work."

They all got up and left, heading for their duty stations.

* * *

Later that evening, Trip opened his door to let Malcolm in.

"I'm glad you came by," he said. "Look, I've spoken to T'Pol about the bond. She assures me she ain't gonna be poking around in my brain, she can block the bond. Good job, I was a bit freaked out being pulled into her white space. Kinda reminded me of those wisp beings, except a lot less fun!"

"I'm glad to hear that," Malcolm replied. "I assume then she won't feel this then?" To Trip's surprise, Malcolm pulled him into a deep and sensuous kiss. When eventually they both came up for air, Trip smiled.

"Thought you wanted to wait until I got divorced?"

"I consider that you've at least got a  _decree nisi_ ," he said with a smirk. "And we're heading the wrong way for Vulcan, which means it could be a while for your  _decree absolute_. I'm not sure I want to wait that long."

As Malcolm manoeuvred the taller man to the bed, Trip considered how the British man had once again surprised him. Then he ceased to think.


	11. Demons

**Pre ep 'Demons'**

Now he knew about them, Jon found himself watching his chief engineer and chief tactical officer surreptitiously. On duty, they were consummate professionals, although bickering regularly as they always used to do. Jon smiled inwardly, thinking that they bickered worse than Tucker and T'Pol. Then again, Tucker generally was on the losing end of virtually all of his arguments with the Vulcan woman; he just refused to accept it. Whereas when he fought with Malcolm, it could go either way.

Watching them in the mess hall was a particular draw for him. Again they were both very correct, no obvious hint of their personal relationship, which amazed Jon as he knew Trip was a very tactile person. However there were little clues that someone who knew them very well could see.

On this particular occasion, Tucker was regaling Reed with a story, the captain wasn't close enough to hear what, punctuating his tale with sharp gestures of his long fingered hands. Reed was leaning back slightly, a small smile on his face, arms casually folded across his chest. He looked very relaxed in Trip's company, something that Jon rarely saw. He then interjected something into Trip's monologue, causing the engineer to stop, then let out a belly laugh.

It felt good to hear Trip laugh, Jon thought. For some time, ever since his sister died, it seemed Trip had forgotten how.

The two men got up and disposed of their trays, still chatting away, though as they left the mess hall, he noticed how close the two men were to each other. There was something about the way they looked at each other that made Jon realise they were oblivious of anyone else around them, though he was confident at some level the security officer in Reed who was never off duty was likely very aware.

It had been a week since he, Trip, T'Pol and Malcolm had had their clearing of the air. As far as he was aware only he and T'Pol knew of the relationship between the two men. He had a sneaking suspicion that Hoshi and Travis probably suspected, the communications officer and the helmsman being particularly good friends with Malcolm.

He kept an ear to the wind though, satisfying himself that there had been no negative comments about the two officers. It wasn't as though there weren't other on board relationships but Tucker and Reed both being part of the senior staff would likely to be under scrutiny.

The only thing that worried him was that the two of them were magnets for trouble. How would either of them cope with the other being in a difficult, dangerous situation? His mind shied away from the worst case scenario. He hope the latest crisis would not be any time soon. He got up and was about to head to his quarters when he was summoned to the bridge, to take a call from Admiral Gardner, who informed him  _Enterprise_  was being recalled to attend a conference discussing the formation of a coalition of planets.

"T'Pol, join me in my ready room?" he asked, getting up from his chair. She nodded followed him in, taking the offered seat.

"Admiral Gardner is sending us a schedule for the events that the senior crew will be required to attend. Once I've received it, I'd like you to draw up a shore leave roster for the crew. We will be remaining on Earth for three weeks."

"Yes, Captain," she said. "I will attend to it. With your permission I will also arrange for myself and Commander Tucker to go to Vulcan, once we have completed our duties to the conference."

"Of course, anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to ask."

"Thank you, Captain. Is there anything else your require?"

Jon looked at her, looking as elegantly beautiful as always. He and T'Pol had talked much since that meeting were she admitted her trellium addiction and seduction of Trip. He had forgiven her and they had both talked about the impact the time in the expanse had had on them. He'd found it very cathartic and he had a feeling she did too.

She had also began instructing him in something she called 'Mastery of the Unavoidable' as well as meditative techniques. He was fascinated by Vulcan philosophy and the study of the life of the man whose  _katra_  he'd carried had given him new insight into the Vulcan culture as well as the Vulcan woman in front of him. He smiled at her and decided to take a chance.

"I have on good authority that there is a new vegan restaurant opened near the Academy, it's been recommended by an old friend who is an instructor. I was hoping you might come with me to check it out, when you return from Vulcan?"

"Certainly, Captain," she said, "I would be honored to accompany you."

"Great," he said. "I'll look forward to it."

A slight softness stole over her features as she nodded in agreement.

"And I as well, Captain."

He dismissed her and he smiled to himself as he relaxed in his chair. He wanted to show her some more of Earth's culture as she had shared Vulcan's with him. He suddenly remembered, cringing slightly, threatening to knock her on her ass when he first met her, now he couldn't imagine life without her.

They'd both come a long way, earned each other's respect and loyalty. He admired her greatly and as he got to know her he began to appreciate her finer qualities, her compassion, her dry sense of humour and her intellect. All wrapped up in a highly attractive package.

Not that he could hope that she would have romantic inclinations towards him, he thought with regret. May be her experience with Trip had put her off relationships with Humans but then again maybe it might have the opposite effect?  _Don't get your hopes up!_  he thought. He would have to be content to have her friendship and not think too much about other possibilities.

He shook his head and decided to head back to his quarters for the evening. He had a new water polo game he hadn't gotten around to watching. Just the thing he needed to take his mind off a certain lovely, female science officer.

* * *

No sooner than the door had closed on Malcolm's quarters than the two men were in each others' arms, kissing passionately. Eventually they broke apart.

"Gawd, Mal, I've wanted to do that all day," said Trip, with a smile.

"I suppose I should congratulate you on your restraint," replied Malcolm. "I was half expecting you to ambush me in the jeffries tube this morning."

"I was tempted, believe me," the engineer admitted. "But I like my balls where they are, Mr Reed!"

Malcolm cocked an eyebrow at his lover.

"I'm really not as volatile as some people like to make out," he said testily. "Though maintaining such a reputation does have its advantages."

Trip looked a little chastened but then gave Malcolm a sunny smile.

"I know I always feel a lot safer in hostile territory with you at my side," said Trip.

"I should bloody hope so, otherwise I'm not doing my job properly!" They were both about to sit on the bed when Malcolm's computer beeped.

"Hang on a mo…" He accessed the message. "We're on our way to Earth!"

"Really? That's great!" Trip looked over Malcolm's shoulder to read the message, then looked a little sour. "Looks like will be tied up in a load of diplomatic meet and greet."

"Hopefully they'll be enough time for shore leave," said Malcolm. "Perhaps this is the opportunity that you and T'Pol need?"

"I hope so too," said Trip. "I hope it won't take long, what we have to do on Vulcan. I'd like us to visit my folks."

Malcolm looked a little nervous.

"Do they know about us?"

"Sure do," said Trip, who suddenly looked sheepish. "I told them when we first got together."

"Oh," replied Malcolm, faintly.

"You haven't told yours, have you?" Trip guessed. "Maybe we should go see them as well?"

Malcolm turned paler than normal.

"No," he said. "Absolutely not. I've visited them twice this decade, I've fulfilled my filial duty to them!"

Trip's brow creased in a frown.

"You  _are_  going to tell them?"

"I've only written to them once since we last left Earth, about three months ago. I'm still waiting for their reply. I was planning to write to Madeline this week but I suppose we could see her instead. She'll pass on the news, I expect. Perhaps then I'll get a reply to my last letter." He didn't sound particularly enamoured of the concept.

The blond man took his lover in his arms, noticing how tense he seemed. He knew from the bits and pieces that the British man had revealed that he had at best a distant relationship with his parents. He smiled inwardly as he felt the dark haired man melt against him.

"I think I'm all for an early night, tonight," he said, kissing the dark haired head. "You with me, darlin'?"

The British man looked up and lightly brushed his lips over Trip's.

"I could be persuaded, Mr Tucker," he said, his navy eyes glimmering with desire. Again he pressed his lips against the taller man's, a kiss that reflected the desire Trip had seen in his eyes.

"I need a shower first," said the blond man, unzipping his uniform. "Mind if I use yours?"

Malcolm started undoing his own uniform.

"As long as I can help scrub your back?"

Before long, the two of them were in the shower, hands trailing over soap slicked skin. Soon the cubicle was not only filled with the sound of running water but with soft moans as sensitive skin was stimulated with gentle caresses.

Lips met in leisurely kisses as hands pulled bodies into further contact.

"Let's take this to the bed," said Malcolm, his voice husky with desire. Trip nodded and they stepped out each grabbing a towel. They towelled themselves off briskly before heading to the bed. Trip pulled Malcolm down on to it and they lay together kissing leisurely, hands on each other's buttocks pushing their growing arousals together.

"Malcolm," said Trip as he gently nibbled Malcolm's chin and throat, "You don't mind coming to see my folks, do you?"

"No," said Malcolm a little hesitantly, "But I'd rather not be talking about parents while we're naked and planning to do all sorts of wicked things to each other."

"Like what?"

"Like this!" Malcolm pushed the engineer so he was flat on his back and with one graceful movement was straddling the engineer and pinning his wrists to the bed. Once again, Trip was taken aback by the strength in the slender, wiry form. He ceased to wonder when the dark haired man captured his lips in another soul stealing kiss, then worked his way down Trip's neck, to arrive at the sensitive hollow of his throat.

This week had been a revelation to Trip, although they had had sex once before in the expanse, that had been hard and fast, fuelled by their desperation and fear they would be separated for ever. Malcolm had taken some convincing to persuade him to consummate their relationship, he were still wary of the bond Trip had with T'Pol. Once the engineer had fully addressed his lover's concerns about their privacy the British man had thrown himself in wholeheartedly, agreeing with Trip's sentiment that they wasted enough time as it was.

The engineer was delighted to discover that underneath that uptight, formal demeanour was an intensely passionate man. He supposed he shouldn't be that surprised, as Malcolm worked his way down to the engineer's chest, as Malcolm was in general an intensely focused person, giving his all to his passions in life, the ship and her crew, his weapons and now, turning his blond haired lover into a helpless puddle of need.

Already charged up from their sensual shower, he felt every nerve in his body was being inflamed with pleasure as Malcolm ruthlessly targeted every sensitive spot on his lover's chest and stomach, causing him to moan and buck his hips.

"Patience, love," said Malcolm as he released his grip on Trip's wrists and shifted himself lower. He then began stroking the engineer's inner thighs, then where the top of his legs joined his hips, carefully avoiding his genitals.

"You're torturin' me!" the engineer complained, though not very hard. He let out a gasp as a warm mouth engulfed his cock.

"Oh gawd, Mal, I'm not gonna last if you keep that up!" The sensations as the other man skillfully pleasured him threatened to fry his brain and he could feel he was close. Then he became aware of a lubed finger gently easing its way inside him, the slight burn taking him back from the edge and he gasped. Malcolm freed up his mouth to look at the other man, whose blue eyes were wide.

"Are you alright, love?"

"Yeah, keep goin'!"

Eventually the British man had three fingers inside, gently stroking, causing Trip to gasp again as shocks of pleasure shot upwards to his brain.

"Please, Mal," he gasped, "I'm ready for ya, need you in me!"

Trip emitted a whine of protest as the fingers were withdrawn but he moaned again as his legs were lifted up and he felt his lover thrust slowly and deeply into him. He wrapped his legs around Malcolm's waist as the smaller man bent over and kissed him.

"Mine!" he growled before lightly sucking the skin on Trip's collarbone.

"Yours!" moaned Trip as he flexed his hips upward, wanting to draw his lover in deeper.

Malcolm started a slow and deep pattern of thrusts, angling himself so he stimulated his lover's most sensitive spot. Trip looked up into his eyes, dark with desire and shining with love. The room was quiet except for the soft moans of the two men and the slap of flesh against flesh. Trip felt as taut as a wire, with a slow burning warmth that centred in his groin, climbing up his spine and through his limbs, making his fingers and toes tingle. The universe had narrowed to the two of them joined together, pulling each other up to new heights of pleasure.

Inevitably they both peaked, first Trip, then as his orgasm ripped through him, he spasmed around Malcolm sending him over the edge next. Coming apart, Malcolm moved up to lay his head on his lover's shoulder.

"What you do to me, Mal!" drawled Trip. He sensed rather than saw the dark haired man smirk against his shoulder.

Trip smiled. He couldn't imagine being closer to contentment as he was right now.


	12. Terra Prime

**Post ep 'Terra Prime'**

"Lieutenant… Malcolm."

The armoury officer, on his way to his domain, hesitated at the sound of the captain's voice.

"Sir?" he said woodenly, turning around.

"Let's talk," said the captain, gesturing up the corridor. They went into the empty research lab, past the aft port armoury.

"Are you okay?" said Archer, his voice coloured with concern.

"I'm fine, sir," his voice sounding stilted even to his own ears. He was physically recovered from being shot, at least.

"This isn't Captain Archer speaking," the older man said gently. "This is Jon, Trip's friend. Hopefully your friend as well."

Malcolm glanced sharply at the captain, once again painfully reminded by his recent contact with Harris, of how he'd betrayed this man now offering the unreserved hand of friendship. Jon had forgiven him but neither he nor the captain would forget.

"I'm telling you now not to give up on Trip. Don't let him push you away, he needs you more than ever now."

"No, he doesn't," replied Malcolm. "He needs his daughter alive and well, he needs to not see another life cut short before his eyes. He needs to know that universe is finished ripping his heart out." Unexpectedly, his eyes started to well with tears as he thought of the baby, Trip's child slowly dying, her parents helpless witnesses. He'd wanted to scream and lash out at someone, at the sheer unfairness of it all. Why Trip? Why him? Why did he have to suffer through this unbearable loss?

He'd even found pity for T'Pol, seeing the pain that she hadn't been able to mask in her beautiful eyes. If ever anyone had doubted a Vulcan could feel, then they only had to look at her, grieving for a child she'd barely had the chance to hold. Then they'd know just how deeply a Vulcan could feel.

He looked down at the floor of the lab as the tears rolled silently down his face. He looked back up when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and saw the captain's eyes also misty with tears.

"It's okay, Malcolm," he said. "We love Trip and she was a part of him. We're allowed to grieve for her as well. But he needs you to be strong for him, please don't let him go through this alone."

"I can't intrude on his grief, he and T'Pol need to grieve together."

"He doesn't love her though and I know he loves you. He needs that love if he is going to get through the next few days and weeks."

"I'll try, sir," said Malcolm softly. He blinked, trying to stem any further tears, fumbling in his pocket for a handkerchief which he used to wipe his eyes. The hand on his shoulder gave a gentle squeeze, before letting go.

"Good man," said the captain. "Go on, Malcolm."

Malcolm nodded once then turned to leave.

Only his unusually sharp hearing caught the captain saying something else as he left.

"You  _are_  a good man, Lieutenant Reed."

* * *

He found Trip heading back to his quarters, tear tracks in evidence on his cheeks. He didn't say anything, simply slipped his hand into the engineer's, feeling him squeeze it gently. Not caring if anyone saw them, they walked down the corridor, then entered the engineer's quarters.

Trip still said nothing as he put his arms around his lover, burying his head in the crook of his neck. Malcolm could feel him shaking as the sobs began again. He stroked Trip's back and waited until the sobs subsided, before gently leading him to the bed and guiding him onto it.

"Lie down, love."

The engineer did so, too exhausted to do anything else, Malcolm propping a pillow under him to support his injured shoulder. Lightly he kissed Trip's forehead, stroking the blond hair back, then removed the engineer's boots.

"T'Pol needs me, Malcolm," Trip said, his voice rough with grief. "She's not coping, neither of us are coping. I can feel her grief in me, through the bond. I don't know how I'm going to get through this!"

"I'm here for you, Trip. You can be strong for her and I'll be strong for you."

"I'm asking too much of you, Mal. It'd be easier for you to walk away."

Malcolm let out a snort.

"Easier for whom? I love you and you promised me that you wouldn't push me away when things got difficult."

"I didn't expect this!" retorted Trip, "I didn't ask to be given a baby,  _my baby_ , only to have her taken away from me! Oh God, Mal, it hurts so much, I don't think I can take it anymore!"

Trip curled up on himself, shuddering and Malcolm felt completely helpless, wishing he could help take this pain away. He couldn't honestly imagine how Trip felt, he'd never wanted children, never had a child of his own. Didn't even have any nieces or nephews. The Reed line was likely to die with him.

He lay down on the bed and spooned himself up behind the stricken man, wrapping an arm around his waist. They stayed that way until Trip stopped shuddering.

"Try to sleep, love," said Malcolm. "Do you want me to call Phlox, give you something to help you sleep?"

Trip didn't respond at first, then gave a little, almost imperceptible nod. Dropping a kiss on the engineer's neck, Malcolm pulled himself away and called the doctor on the comm, requesting his attendance. Before too long, the Denobulan came by with a sedative and an analgesic, his bright blue eyes dimmed by his own grief, his normally smiling face set in a sombre expression. He administered the hypos and waited until it was clear that the engineer was asleep.

"He shouldn't be left alone, Lieutenant," said Phlox quietly. "Are you willing to stay with him?"

"Yes, Doctor," Malcolm replied, looking down at the sleeping man.  _Forever, love._

* * *

The next couple of days passed in a haze for Trip, weighted down with sorrow and on painkillers for his injuries. Although for appearance's sake, Malcolm kept a discreet distance in public, he rarely left the engineer's side. Except for when Trip spent time with T'Pol, who when not with the captain, stayed in her quarters for hours, meditating.

She also appeared to be struggling with her grief though she seemed composed during the memorial service, attended by the  _Enterprise_  crew, Trip's parents and many dignitaries. Elizabeth had been held up as a symbol of hope, that there could be cooperation between different species, despite the original motives behind her creation.

The universally felt horror and disgust at how an innocent was so cruelly used had turned the tide against the xenophobes and Terra Prime had found many of its own supporters disavow Paxton and the organisation. It came as a small comfort to her parents, who although were unknowing and unwilling, loved her as much as they would have had they planned her birth.

The crew had been granted two weeks leave though both Trip and T'Pol had been granted an unspecified leave of absence. He was at a loss as to what to do with himself, T'Pol had shut herself down completely, leaving him feeling isolated. If it hadn't been for Malcolm's steadfast presence, he didn't think he could even get himself out of bed.

Malcolm had left to attend to something in the armoury, leaving him alone in his quarters. He was due to go to sickbay to have his shoulder checked, hopefully he'd be able to ditch the sling. He got up to find his boots when the door chime. Opening the door, he found T'Pol, dressed in sombre Vulcan robes.

"C'mon in," he said. She went in and sat down at the desk.

"You okay?" he said. "No don't answer that, stupid question, I know you're not okay."

"I understand the intention behind your question and I thank you, Trip," she said. "I wish to tell you that I will be going to Vulcan tomorrow. I wish to arrange a memorial stone in my family plot for," she stumbled over her words slightly. "Our daughter."

"That sounds real fittin', T'Pol," he said, softly. "I'd like to come too, if that's okay?"

"I was intending to ask you to accompany me. There is another matter as well… the bond. I have spoken to T'Lar, a high priestess, who is able to assist in severing the bond between us. If you wish this then you will be need to be on Vulcan for the procedure."

"Okay," he said quietly. "I think it's for the best. Especially with me being with Malcolm now and you and Jon…"

"There is nothing between myself and the captain," she said sharply, "We are colleagues and I am pleased to call him a friend. That is all."

"Sorry," he said, "I guess now is not the time for it." She didn't respond.

"I'll start packing, then," he said. "How long do you think we'll need to stay?"

"No more than a couple of days, though I intend to stay longer."

Trip looked at her, concerned.

"T'Pol, you're coming back aren't you?"

"I do not know… I will consider my options when on Vulcan."

"For what it's worth, I hope you do come back." To his surprise she reached out and touched his hand.

"Thank you, my friend."

He smiled at her warmly, suppressing the urge to give her a hug, knowing it would make her uncomfortable.

She withdrew her hand and left. As soon as the door closed, he called Malcolm to come over.

"What's wrong?" the British man asked, looking anxiously at Trip.

"I hafta go to Vulcan," said Trip. "With T'Pol, there'll be a memorial in her family graveyard and we're gonna get the bond removed as well."

"Fine. When do we leave?"

" _We?_ " Trip looked at his lover in astonishment.

"You weren't thinking of going without me?"

"I didn't really think about it!"

Malcolm took Trip's hand.

"I told you I wasn't going to let you push me away any more. I'm coming with you because you need me. Don't argue with me as my mind's made up."

Trip felt a sudden rush of gratitude as he considered the dark haired man in front of him, his mouth set in a thin line.

"Better get packing, we're leaving tomorrow. I'll let T'Pol know you're coming."

Malcolm stepped over and pulled Trip into his arms, then pulled away. Trip saw a new determination in the navy blue eyes he loved so much.

"You're stuck with me now, Mr Tucker. I'm not leaving your side. Whatever is coming, whatever you're facing, you won't be doing it alone."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N There will be a 4th installment to this series, which will be a bit different - I have to think of some plot :D
> 
> I have made a small start on it but it is currently on hiatus while I finish up another couple of other stories but I'll try not to keep you waiting for too long!


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